THE KEY TO A STRONG MARRIAGE

Yesterday my wife and I celebrated 43 year of marriage. We met when we were 16 and were married at the age of 19.

Over the years we’ve had to work hard on our marriage and have had the opportunity to help many couples along the way on how to keep their marriage strong also.

In the end, God has remained faithful to us in so many ways.  It wasnt always easy but God sustained and helped us all along the way.

Song of Solomon gives us some pointers on how to have a strong marriage and relationship.  Let me show you a few things:

“O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, In the secret places of the cliff, Let me see your face, Let me hear your voice; For your voice is sweet, And your face is lovely.” Song of Solomon 2:14

The “cleft of the rock” was a small crack in the mountain.  It was not as big as a cave but it could provide some shelter from the storms.  There probably was not room for more than two people in this cleft.

He is picturing himself alone with his partner.  Notice the words that he says…  Notice the exclusivity…

“Let me see your face, Let me hear your voice; For your voice is sweet, And your face is lovely.”

He is bringing all his attention down on this one person.  Nobody else is around.  It is just him and her.

That is one of the keys to romantic love.  It has to be the focus of my attention exclusively on one person.

Notice now how she picks up on this same theme in these verses…

My beloved is mine, and I am his. He feeds his  flock among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16

By night on my bed I sought the one I love; I sought him, but I did not find him. Song of Solomon 3:1

Scarcely had I passed by them, When I found the one I love. I held him and would not let him go, Until I had brought him to the house of my mother, And into the chamber of her who conceived me.Song of Solomon 3:4 NKJV

She looks for him.  She passes by the guards and “I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go.”

Notice the exclusivity.  

The idea of exclusivity is not that I don’t have any other relationships but it is that I reserve my first and my best and my most for my lifetime partner.

Whatever it is – time, affection, everything.

First.  Best.  Most.  That is what I give to my lifetime partner.  We don’t let other people meet our marital needs.  And… we don’t meet other people’s marital needs.

Those needs will either go unmet and have the Lord meet those needs or my partner will meet them.  I won’t allow anyone else to meet my marital needs.

That’s what exclusivity is all about in regards to Romantic Love.


If you want Romantic Love – it is sparked when it is EXCLUSIVE!

Here’s another principle from The Song of Solomon… ROMANTIC LOVE IS IGNITED WHEN IT IS EXPRESSED

There comes a time when you’ve got to get it said.  If you want that hot, happening, on-going, lifetime type of romantic love – there are some things that needs to be said.

And… it’s got to get said often and regularly – even daily.

This message is going to be hard for some you guys who think, “I watched her, I wooed her, I won her and I wed her.  And… I told her the day we got married that I love her and if I change my mind – I’ll let her know.”

I talk to a lot of couples and this is truer than you think.  It’s more common than we think.

I’m sure that there we’re a lot of people laughing right now because you know it’s true.

It frustrates me to see marriages where one of the partners has checked out.

Again… if you want to keep the Romantic fires burning and you want your partner to be that life-time passionate partner – ROMANTIC LOVE NEEDS TO BE EXPRESSED.

Let’s go to the Song Of Solomon and let me give your FOUR TRUTHS ABOUT EXPRESSING LOVE here.  We are going to watch the shepherd and the Shulamite in communication together.

These people have their PHD in expression love to one another.  We could learn a lot from them.

FOUR TRUTHS ABOUT EXPRESSING LOVE

One of them is a WHY and then there will be 3 HOWS.


Romantic love is ignited when we express it.  First, a WHY and then 3 HOWS.

1. Express Your Love Because It is NEEDED

Notice what the woman says…

I am dark, but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, Like the tents of Kedar, Like the curtains of Solomon. Do not look upon me, because I am dark, Because the sun has tanned me. My mother’s sons were angry with me; They made me the keeper of the vineyards, But my own vineyard I have not kept. Song of Solomon 1:5‭-‬6

Everyone needs to hear love expressed – EVEN THE SHULAMITE WOMAN.

I don’t know how you picture this woman in this book but I kind of picture her between Einstein and Miss America – she had it all together – emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

But if you look at this text – there are some things about her that she doesn’t like.

Notice her SELF DOUBT.  Notice that she says that she is “dark but lovely.”

Like so many people – she knows that there are things about herself that she knows are not attractive in her mind.

Rather than focusing on the many strengths that she has been given – what is she focused on – the one thing in herself that she sees as a flaw.

It is the same for everyone reading this – we focus on our flaws more than our strengths. We don’t focus on the many strengths that God gave us but the 1 or 2 things that we wish were different about ourselves.

So you can understand this – she is talking about “deeply tanned skin.”

In the Western world – to have dark skin is a sign of luxury, health and beauty.  

But in the Eastern culture – lighter skin is what is desired.

A person in with “darker/ tanned” skin was a person who spent a lot of time in the fields and was of the lower class of people.

Basically, she is revealing that she is a person that worked the fields and the man that she was in love with was of a higher economic strata.

She is embarrassed about that.  She is focused on that.  She feels that the way she is – is a negative feature.

My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. Song of Songs 5:10

NKJV – “radiant” – “white” – speaking of his complexion. 

Apparently, He didn’t have to work for a living in the sun.

It’s interesting to me… that a woman so loved and so adored still fights negative feelings about her appearance and the pain of the past that caused it.

Now… if this woman in the Song Of Solomon needed to hear love expressed – then who does not need to hear love expressed?

The answer is that all of us do.

2. Express your love through VERBAL confirmation

These are words that focus on the person – who they are and their essence.

How many know that beauty will fade.  You’ve got to have something else that you are fired up about that person because the icing on the cupcake will someday fade.

It’s so great to see a couple in love where you know that they are more focused on the part that doesn’t last but the essence of what will last forever.

Look how this couple has this between them.  Look at 1:15…

How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!...Song of Songs 1:15

There is no feature spoken about.  It’s just this love that that have for  each other.  It’s not about their features or beauty or physique.

It’s their essence.  It’s their person.  It’s who they are. He’s affirming not her physical characteristics but the totality of who she is.

Look at her response in v.15

How handsome you are, my lover!..Song of Songs 1:16

It is interesting… the word BEAUTIFUL in v.15 and HANDSOME in v.16 are translated exactly the same in the Hebrew.

He says, “You are BEAUTIFUL” and she says, “No, you are BEAUTIFUL.”


“Everything about you – the totality of you is wonderful.”

If you want to ignite romance in your marriage – VERBAL CONFIRMATION IS SO IMPORTANT!

3. Express Your Love Through VALUE Comparisons

“If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds.” Song of Songs 1:8

MOST BEAUTIFUL OF WOMEN – You are the most beautiful of women.

Ok… there are approximately 265 million people in the United States with approximately 133 million women.  

He is saying – “You are more beautiful than all the women in the United States.”“You could put all these women in a room together and I will find you.”

This is a value comparison.  “You are one among many.”  That communicates a lot.

“You’re first.  You’re tops.  You’re above them all. You excel them all.”

Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. Song of Songs 2:2

Wouldn’t it be great guys – if you’re wife could go into any room, any size, at any age and say, “My husband is so focused on me – none of these other women will draw his attention from me.”

A woman should never have to worry that there is another woman that is in the room who is warmer than her, funnier than her, prettier than her and her husband is drawn to her.

She should never feel insecurity about her husband’s inattention to her.

4. Express Your Love Through Visual COMPLIMENTS

Visual compliments are where we use pictures to describe our affections. There is a power in pictures.

The Song Of Solomon shares some of the greatest word pictures. In fact – they are very intimate.

Song of Solomon 4:1 – The man is speaking…

How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.”

Now… men – don’t use these pictures for your wife.  I dont think they have the same meaning as they did back then.

But if you lived back then – to look at a hillside filled with sheep – it would have been like him saying, “Your hair is full and wavy.”

Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Song of Songs 4:2

COMING UP FROM THE WASHING – in other words – “Your teeth look nice and clean.”

Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. – in others words – “Girl, you have lots of teeth and none missing.”

Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate.  

Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors.  Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Song of Songs 4:3-5 (NIV)

Look at how she responds in 5:10-15

My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand.  His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven.  His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels.  His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh.  His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires.  His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars.  His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. Song of Songs 5:10-16

All I can say is WOW!

I believe that this is the God-type of relationship we are to have with our spouse – two people honoring one another.

God loves this.  He wrote a whole book in the Bible on this.  

If you want to have the hot, happening, lump in the throat, sweaty palm, life-romantic love that I keep talking about – then express your love through visual compliments.

Gary Smalley, the excellent author on books on marriage and family – (he speaks to thousands of married couples all the time) – Whenever he does a marriage seminar he begins by asking this question – “What one thing would improve your marriage more than any other one thing?”

Without exception – the answer is always communications.  “If we could just communicate better.”

Now… the most important book in the Bible about love is about communication.  The most important chapter in that book is about expressing your love.

If the target is communication in your marriage.  The BULLS-EYE is expressing your love.

So.. we express our love because it’s needed - through value comparisons.  Through visual compliments

FOUR THINGS EVERY PERSON CAN SAY:


I love you.


I need you.


There is no one like you.


I thank God for you.

My prayer is that the homes and bedrooms of our church will be filled with these words.