42 years ago I married my best friend Denise. We met when we were 12. We were dating when we turned 16 and were married at the age of 19. We have 2 daughters and are grandparents to 5. God has blessed us through thick and thin and we are still in love today.
Our love has grown and grown and has been exclusive to just ourselves. WE HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL TO ONE ANOTHER!
Single adults – this is where the fire starts – when love becomes exclusive. Married adults – this is where it rekindles – when all of my energy and all of my affection and all of my passion is focused down on one person.
No one else is meeting those needs in my life. I’m not flirtatious. I’m not spilling over to other people. I’m scoped down to ALL of those needs being met by one person.
Exclusive – Defined: Limited use by a single individual.
Romantic love is exclusive! This is found all through the Song Of Solomon. Here’s 6 examples of what we mean by exclusive.
1. Exclusive Means TIME
If you want to have romantic love and want to experience it. IT TAKES A LOT OF TIME.
When I started dating Denise – I just wanted her for myself. I didn’t want to share her with anyone else. How many remember those types of feelings?
Someone once said - “Getting married is easy – staying married is more difficult. Staying happily married for a lifetime would be considered one of life’s most finest arts.”
The first thing we have to have is an EXCLUSIVE love which means time together alone.
Time alone. Walking. Talking. Playing. Planning. Praying.
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7 NLT)
In other words… spend lots and lots of time with them.
Let me be real specific – Ideally, it’s going to take at least 15 minutes a day/ 1 evening a week/ 1 day per month/ 1 weekend per year as an absolute minimum.This is how you can a biblical, passionate love.
You can say, “Well… I give her quality time.” The truth is – there’s no such thing as quality time unless you give her QUANTITY time.
Men – we are the primary offenders here. I can’t tell you how many women tell me that they feel alone in their marriage.
Men give themselves to work and sports and odd jobs and male friends.
Men – if you want a fire in your marriage – it is going to take some time.
If you want that lump in the throat, sweaty palm, can’t wait to be with her love – you can have that.
Even if you’ve lost that – you can have it back but it is going to take some time.
2. Exclusive Means ATTENTION
Ah, I hear my lover coming! He is leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My lover is like a swift gazelle or a young stag. Look, there he is behind the wall, looking through the window, peering into the room. (Song of Songs 2:8-9 NLT)
What I see here is ENTHUSIASM. He can’t wait to see her.
It’s not “I can’t believe I have to spend another evening home with Martha.”
Have you ever been to a restaurant and there is a couple in the corner who just sit and look at each other without hardly even speaking? How many have seen that?
Then… there is you and your wife and you can hardly look at each other – “Well Martha… it’s another night at Denny’s.”
That’s not how it’s supposed to be. It shouldn’t be a marathon of endurance.
"Look, there he is behind the wall, looking through the window, peering into the room."
This guy wants to see her so bad that he’s on the verge of being a peeking tom. No obstacle was going to get in the way.
He wanted to give her his full attention.
Nothing is more deliberating to a marriage of love than a failure to give FULL ATTENTION.
This is an area my family has to challenge me in. I come home. My body is there but I’m somewhere else. My kids have a way of breaking through that – “Earth to dad!”
Attention. Attention. Attention. We need to have focused attention.
Get alone with each other. Turn of your media (I struggle with this). Sit close. Listen to one another.
3. Exclusive Is OWNERSHIP
Romantic love is exclusive ownership.
My lover is mine, and I am his. He browses among the lilies. (Song of Songs 2:16 NLT)
How many remember going to picnics and having a 3-legged race? That’s a picture of marriage… you are bound to one another. It’s ownership. Yes, there is some independence. Yes, there is some separate things – the outside leg. But they are always together.
They are in-step together. They have ownership. Full ownership. Good marriage is a three-legged race.
If you resent that, if you feel that “no one will ever own me” – you probably should have never got married. If that’s your attitude and you’re not married, spare someone a life time of hurt and don’t get married.
The scriptures tell us that marriage is about giving yourself to another person.
“I belong to you and you belong to me.” We own each other – and that’s a phenomenal thing!
When marriages start to break down is when start living separate lives. They live in the same house but don’t have any connection to one another anymore.
It’s so sad. It’s so tragic. It’s so cold.
4. Exclusive Is AGGRESSIVE
One night as I lay in bed, I yearned for my lover. I yearned for him, but he did not come. So I said to myself, “I will get up and roam the city, searching in all its streets and squares. I will search for the one I love.” So I searched everywhere but did not find him. The watchmen stopped me as they made their rounds, and I asked, “Have you seen the one I love?” Then scarcely had I left them when I found my love! I caught and held him tightly, then I brought him to my mother’s house, into my mother’s bed, where I had been conceived. (Song of Songs 3:1-4 NLT)
Notice the aggressiveness of this woman. There are EIGHT ACTIONS.
I yearned
I will get up
I will search for him
I found him
I caught and held him
I would not let him go.
This woman was pursuing her man.
The number one complaint after marriage is “My husband / wife doesn’t pursue me anymore.”I mean, when we were dating – he was coming after me and wooing me with flowers and cards and presents and surprises.
What happened to the guy I was dating. Where did he go? I mean, we got to the front of the church and the guy disappeared. I don’t even recognize the guy I’m married to now.”
For men or women – one of the weaknesses of the human heart is that we want and go after what we don’t have and we take for granted what we possess.
5. Exclusive Love Means Supreme VALUE
Someone might be saying, “Well, I want to pursue my spouse, at least I think I do. I should want to. Or, I used to want to. Now I really don’t want to. I should want to and now I feel kind of guilty because I don’t want.”
Here’s the reason: At some point you stop valuing your spouse. Pursuit is easy when value is high. Romantic love is sparked when Romantic love is high.
Look at how this man values his woman.
You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace. Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices. (Song of Songs 4:9-10 NLT)
This guy’s heart is pounding with love. He so values her.
Every person here – whether you are single or married should strive to have this type of God-love in your life.
It’s not about her perfume or her jewelry but it’s about who she is as a person. It is about how this man values this woman.
Like a lily among thistles is my darling among young women. (Song of Songs 2:2 NLT)
In other words… “All other girls are just like weeds/ thorns in comparison to you. I don’t want to be around other women because it’s an ugly experience.”
Look what she has to say about him:
My lover is dark and dazzling, better than ten thousand others! His head is finest gold, his wavy hair is black as a raven. His eyes sparkle like doves beside springs of water; they are set like jewels washed in milk. His cheeks are like gardens of spices giving off fragrance. His lips are like lilies, perfumed with myrrh. His arms are like rounded bars of gold, set with beryl. His body is like bright ivory, glowing with lapis lazuli. His legs are like marble pillars set in sockets of finest gold. His posture is stately, like the noble cedars of Lebanon. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is desirable in every way. Such, O women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend. (Song of Songs 5:10-16 NLT)
We must return to our beginning focus of strengths of our lifetime partner.
When we take each other for granted – we tend to focus on their weaknesses.
We must refocus on the strengths of the person we fell in love with and that will rekindle your romantic love.
Single adults… if you are in a relationship and that person is focused on your faults and weaknesses – get rid of him or her now. If they are like that with you now – just think what it will be like later on in life.
6. Exclusive Love Means FOREVER
I am my lover’s, and he claims me as his own. (Song of Songs 7:10 NLT)
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned. (Song of Songs 8:6-7 NLT)
As painful as it is to see someone die – so it is with love when it is broken.
Exclusive love is forever. When we said our vows in front of the church – we said, “Till death do us part.” Exclusive means “no exit ramp until we are with Jesus.” It is forever. We’re not thinking about another option. I’m not considering another plan. This is my person forever!
Original outline by James MacDonald
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